Controlling My Thoughts

I always thought that when church leaders council us to control our thoughts, it meant purely dirty thoughts or gossipy thoughts. But I think it goes farther. I have a problem controlling my self-deprecating thoughts. I have a hard time seeing myself the way others see me. If someone says something mean about me, I believe it. If someone says something nice about me, I have a hard time believing it.

I say all of this because I recognize that I have a problem loving me. I am working on that, but it is a day to day, minute by minute struggle. I made an awesome accomplishment last Friday (running the mile without stopping) and had an awesome weightloss on Saturday (lost 6 lbs). BUT, this week, I feel like I have hit a wall and I'm having a hard time climbing over it. I reallize that it is purely mental, but that doesn't make it any easier to get over.

Let me explain. My rest days are Saturday and Sunday so when Monday came, I was actually really excited to get out and run. My plan was to go to the high school that evening and do 1/2 mile run, 1/4 mile jog and alternate it 3 times . Well, one thing leads to another. I was waiting for my husband to get home and when he got home, I knew that I had to stay. He was not feeling well and just wanted to go to bed, and when I went outside, my van had a flat tire that needed to be taken care of. Once everyone went to bed and dinner was done and put away, I made a conscious choice to not go out and run. Instead, I binged! I'm still feeling the guilt. Cue the bad self-talk.

So, Tuesday came and I was itching to get out and run. After everyone was settled at either school or in bed for a nap (husband included), I headed outside to run. I walked 5 minutes, jogged 5 minutes, walked 3 minutes and during my second 5 minutes, I hit a horrible mental wall and didn't want to go any farther. Usually, when this happens, I push right through it. Well, I didn't want to push through it so I walked right back through my door. Total fail! Brie talked to me about it this morning....she is very insightful. She said that the body follows the mind. My mind had shut off...it kept telling my body that was hurting and that I didn't want to do this anymore. So, I quit.

The same thing happened this morning. I was at the park. Brie took my kids and let me just run. So, it was just me. I made a break through realization this morning. I NEED MUSIC TO RUN! It helps me get into a little place where I don't think about anything but moving. I didn't have that this morning. I even tried to sing to myself. I'm sorry, but Primary Songs, that I am singing to myself, do nothing to help me get up a hill that I don't want to go up. So, I quit again. BUT I have awesome friends and Brie wouldn't let me. I had already walked/jogged .4 miles (one lap around the park). We grabbed the kids and she let me walk and talk. We walked one full lap (it took 10 minutes) and then we decided to jog the next lap. About half-way through and thankfully, just before I hit that hill, I found my happy place. I just dug in and kept going (it took 7-8 minutes). I am now jogging faster than I walk. Well, that is an improvement.

This is the very reason I am writing this blog. For me, jogging, walking, weight loss, and simply loving myself are not as simple as going out and just doing it. I think for most people, that is not the case. If that were the case, there would not be obesity, alcoholism, food disorders, etc.

The reason I am writing this blog is so that I can (and others to, if you so wish) visually see and remember my accomplishments. I need to remind myself that I CAN do things that I have never done before. I CAN overcome my self-deprecating thoughts with motivating actions. I CAN be who I need to become.

A Little Wiggle and a Little Woggle

My friend, Janette, commented on one of my previous posts that they like to call very slow jogging, wogging. I have amended that term to woggling. I was definitely wiggling and woggling today, BUT it was another awesome day of accomplishment.

I was dreading this day of training because it was pushing me a bit farther than I've ever been in
the last 20 years. I'm on Week 3 of the Couch to 5k program. It was warm up of 5 min. walking and 2 repetitions of the following (90 sec or 200 yds jogging, 90 sec or 200 yds walking, 3 min or 400 yds of jogging, 3 min or 400 yds of walking). I was REALLY psyching myself out with the 3 mins of jogging. BUT I did it and I had fun doing it. In fact, I felt so strong that on my last 3 minutes, I wanted to keep going. I made it another 100 yds or approx another 30 sec.

For the first time ever, I realized that I really can do this. As Kira and I were doing the cool down lap, I told her that this is my third program week, but I have really been at it for 3 weeks already. So, I'm starting my 4th week of walking/jogging. Kira mentioned some changes that she has noticed with me. First, I'm not sucking air anymore. Second, I am actually lifting my feet now instead of shuffling

like I did when I first started. Then, after we talked a bit more, she mentioned that all those changes have really happened in only 9 sessions of 1/2 an hour a day.

I am amazed at how my body is strengthening and healing itself in such a short amount of time. I am sure it will continue to increase its power the more weeks

that pass and the more weight that I lose. So, in only a cumulative of 4.5 hours, I've been able to increase my endurance and I am running.

Ok, I'm still woggling, but the important thing is

that I AM MOVING. I am starting to look forward to meeting up with my friends every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Oh, and the most important milestone that I hit today is that while going up that hill, I was not thinking bad thoughts about my friend Brie who was timing me. Now, THAT is an accomplishment. :)

Doritos are EVIL!

Yep, that says it all. Doritos are evil. They call you from far away. Just the thought of them makes you salivate. Then, that first salty taste - pure ecstasy. Before you know it, the whole bag is gone and you are licking the last of that cheesy goodness off your fingers.

Why is it that some foods just trigger a "lust" for that food? I'm sure there is some sort of scientific reason, but just know that I have some trigger foods. Doritos, doughnuts, rolls, chocolate...anything that has to do with some sort of carbohydrate (the not good for you kind). Those are my trigger foods.

Along with my 5k "training", I'm also doing Weight Watchers Online. It is teaching me to eat in moderation. Now, I can count on both hands how many times I've done WW, but this time is different. I have a goal to work towards. It is not weight related this time, although, that is a bonus. My goal is to run a full 5k. Along the way, losing weight will definitely help. But I'm looking at food, now, as fuel.

By the way, I had a piece of chocolate and doritos last night (my husband should not be allowed to go to any store when he is hungry). Yes, I beat myself up about it, but I do that. It's not healthy thinking, but that is another something I'm working on. I did enjoy every bite of that chocolate, though.

So, on to the run today. Because I ate the doritos, I could immediately feel the retention of water. So, I'm just drinking a ton of water. Two of my kiddos are still sick today so I missed the morning run with Brie and Kira. However, when the babies were down for their naps, I headed outside with the older two. They road their bikes while I did my training. By the way, I added some Adele to my daughter's MP3 player and it made running alot better.

I shouldn't say I run...I'm trudging along. I'm VERY slow, but my feet are coming up off the ground. So I think I'm doing something other than walking but less than running. I'm moving...that is the important thing. On our runs at the park, there is a slight hill that I HATE going up with my double stroller. I almost always want to cry going up it. Then I complain about how I'm not doing so much. Brie and Kira set me in my place. They remind me that I am doing more than I was and I am ahead of the person that is still sitting on the couch.

So, to all those that need motivation - here it is. Get off the couch. Walk down the driveway. That's it. You did more than you were doing. Now, if you are already doing that (no matter if you are just off the couch or if you are running marathons), just do slightly more than you did yesterday.

Ok...5k training stats.
5 min warm up. 20 minute alternating jogging/walking. 90sec jogging/2 min walking. 5 minute cool down and stretching.