I always thought that when church leaders council us to control our thoughts, it meant purely dirty thoughts or gossipy thoughts. But I think it goes farther. I have a problem controlling my self-deprecating thoughts. I have a hard time seeing myself the way others see me. If someone says something mean about me, I believe it. If someone says something nice about me, I have a hard time believing it.
I say all of this because I recognize that I have a problem loving me. I am working on that, but it is a day to day, minute by minute struggle. I made an awesome accomplishment last Friday (running the mile without stopping) and had an awesome weightloss on Saturday (lost 6 lbs). BUT, this week, I feel like I have hit a wall and I'm having a hard time climbing over it. I reallize that it is purely mental, but that doesn't make it any easier to get over.
Let me explain. My rest days are Saturday and Sunday so when Monday came, I was actually really excited to get out and run. My plan was to go to the high school that evening and do 1/2 mile run, 1/4 mile jog and alternate it 3 times . Well, one thing leads to another. I was waiting for my husband to get home and when he got home, I knew that I had to stay. He was not feeling well and just wanted to go to bed, and when I went outside, my van had a flat tire that needed to be taken care of. Once everyone went to bed and dinner was done and put away, I made a conscious choice to not go out and run. Instead, I binged! I'm still feeling the guilt. Cue the bad self-talk.
So, Tuesday came and I was itching to get out and run. After everyone was settled at either school or in bed for a nap (husband included), I headed outside to run. I walked 5 minutes, jogged 5 minutes, walked 3 minutes and during my second 5 minutes, I hit a horrible mental wall and didn't want to go any farther. Usually, when this happens, I push right through it. Well, I didn't want to push through it so I walked right back through my door. Total fail! Brie talked to me about it this morning....she is very insightful. She said that the body follows the mind. My mind had shut off...it kept telling my body that was hurting and that I didn't want to do this anymore. So, I quit.
The same thing happened this morning. I was at the park. Brie took my kids and let me just run. So, it was just me. I made a break through realization this morning. I NEED MUSIC TO RUN! It helps me get into a little place where I don't think about anything but moving. I didn't have that this morning. I even tried to sing to myself. I'm sorry, but Primary Songs, that I am singing to myself, do nothing to help me get up a hill that I don't want to go up. So, I quit again. BUT I have awesome friends and Brie wouldn't let me. I had already walked/jogged .4 miles (one lap around the park). We grabbed the kids and she let me walk and talk. We walked one full lap (it took 10 minutes) and then we decided to jog the next lap. About half-way through and thankfully, just before I hit that hill, I found my happy place. I just dug in and kept going (it took 7-8 minutes). I am now jogging faster than I walk. Well, that is an improvement.
This is the very reason I am writing this blog. For me, jogging, walking, weight loss, and simply loving myself are not as simple as going out and just doing it. I think for most people, that is not the case. If that were the case, there would not be obesity, alcoholism, food disorders, etc.
The reason I am writing this blog is so that I can (and others to, if you so wish) visually see and remember my accomplishments. I need to remind myself that I CAN do things that I have never done before. I CAN overcome my self-deprecating thoughts with motivating actions. I CAN be who I need to become.