Friday, April 20, 2012
Last Sunday, my youngest son started the family out with the flu bug. It lasted 2 days. Tuesday night, my oldest son came down with this same bug. It hit him hard, and he is struggling from it. Well, low and behold, yesterday afternoon, I started with the bug. Thankfully, it didn't last long with me like it did with my boys. However, I am still having a problem drinking and eating. To give an example, I am literally down 9 lbs in one day! As much as I would like to say it is my hard work, I have to say it is that I am not hydrated enough.
So, up until tonight, I was actually planning on going to my race. Whatever this bug is, it is nasty and is hitting many families in our school district. The school and the district have sent out formal letters saying that this is highly contagious and to stay home 48 hours after the last symptom. I don't want to risk anymore people getting this and I don't want to not have fun tomorrow.
Thus, I have made the decision not to race. However, I actually did my first 5k last week. I just didn't race to accomplish it, and Kira is my witness that I did it. I will not quit here...I will look for another race to be had. I also signed up for groupon for Zumba classes today. I am super excited for that especially during the heat of the summer.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
A couple of weeks ago, I was hitting a great stride. Actually, it was two weeks ago today that I was out running and I ran 25 minutes straight or a mile and a half straight. It fellt so good. So, on my off day, I went out and worked on putting my garden in. Same for Wednesday. Let me tell you, if you want to strengthen the back of your legs, put a garden in. My hamstrings killed! Well, I don't know what happened, but it caused my left knee to really hurt and swell a bit. Last week, the swelling went down, but it still hurt. It hurt to walk, but it hurt even more to run on it. So, I haven't run. BUT I have kept walking. In fact, Brie mentioned before I got injured, that I needed to lengthen my running stride to go a bit faster. So, I decided to try that with walking. I openned my hips and let my legs take me around the park. I was amazed! I cut my .4 mile lap time down by 2 minutes!
So, this brings me to today. I am itching to get out an run, but still my knee feels weak and it still hurts. I still went out and walked, though. I called it my therapy session. I love Kira and Brie because they help me think through situations without trying to forcibly tell me what to do. Kira walked with me while Brie watched the older kiddos. I started to cry a bit while talking to Kira. I'll admit it. I'm mad. I am mad at myself for getting hurt. I am mad that I have a race 2 weeks away and I don't know how I will manage it. I am mad because I wanted to run the whole thing and I know I could have, but now I will have to walk some/ maybe even all of it. I am mad that I like to eat and my weight and lack of weight loss seems to show it.
Kira tried to put a few things into perspective for me. The biggest thing was that my race was not an end all. It was a goal to accomplish, but sometimes goals need to be adjusted. My goal was to run the whole race on April 21st, but now my goal is to run/walk the race and FINISH it in under an hour. This is allowing me to make a new goal....find a race in October (any time before that would be too hot in So AZ) and run the whole thing with a new time goal. Second, my next goal this week is to work on my food choices. Also, I have lost 15 pounds but have seemed to plateau already. BUT I wish I could possibly count how many people have come up to me saying how good I look lately. My body shape is changing. My calves are starting to get a little definition and my large butt does not wiggle as much any more. I need to change how I see myself.
Thank you to my family and friends who give me so much support. I haven't written for so long for fear of letting people down. I was letting myself down so I didn't want to let anyone else down as well. BUT I'm changing my perspective. I'm changing my goals. And, you know what? It is ok.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Anyways, I was running at one stretch, by myself, and notice these two men jump on the trail ahead of me walking. I had a goal to put my head down, put one foot in front of the other, and pass these two. I did it. It was such a good feeling. I know, these guys were walking, but I still passed them. That means that I am running faster than a walker. That has to be good for something.
In fact, it was funny. I ran my scheduled 23 minutes (approximately a whole mile) and then I had to turn around and go back. We walked back and it seemed to take FOREVER! The more I run, the less patience I have for walking. Hehehe. That is funny coming from me.
I also want to mention a few more positives that happened to me on Wednesday. Sorry, I never got to the blog that day. I'm trying not to focus so much on my weight now. I'm trying to focus on the little changes that are happening to my body.
Positive things about Wednesday:
- My butt had room! I took my son to the doctor and I sat down in a waiting room chair. I was just there 2 weeks ago for my twins too, but this time, I had a little bit more butt room in the chair. Yay for butt room
- I look cute! I took all 4 of my children to our local Children's museum. I had a lady come up to me saying how much she admired me for standing there with 4 children (2 of which are twins). She said she was so frazzled with one toddler and couldn't imagine how I could have my hair done, my make-up on (rare occurance) and look so cute and come out of the house with the 4 kids. I thanked her and just smiled. She really made my day.
- I got my eyebrows waxed. I couldn't believe how much that one little action boosted my self-esteem. I felt pretty.
- I rocked it on my workout. I am learning that I NEED music. It helps me stay focused while I run. I ended up working out for 45 minutes and running 35 minutes of it.
I am loving everything that I am learning on this journey. Thank you all for your love, support, and comments. There are people following my blog that I didn't reallize. So, thank you. If any of this inspires you, please share it. One of the reasons that I started this blog was because I had never seen a blog of a person my size on their running/weight loss journey before. I want to share with everyone that you can do anything. It just takes one step in front of the other.
Have a great weekend!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Ok, back to Brie. She was going to run with me, but we agreed it was absolutely too cold for the kiddos. She told me to grab my music and drops the kids off at her house for an hour. Talking about music, I finally got my own MP3 player. No more Hannah Montana from my daughter's MP3 player or Iron Maiden from my husband's. Now I have Katy Perry, Adele, Pink, and Bon Jovi.
Before I left her house, I asked Brie to take these pictures of me. I realized that I need to not only journal what I'm doing, but I need to photograph what I'm doing too. So, every week, I'm hoping to put a picture up of me and this journey. Another reason I am doing this is because I have been frustrated with my weight loss. Three months into this process, I have only lost 15 lbs. Now, don't get me wrong, 15 pounds is great, but for someone who has almost 200 lbs to lose, that is very small and frustrating. However, I have noticed that my clothes are fitting a bit better so I knew that something was changing. So, I am starting to track my measurements as well. Since January, I have gone down 2 inches in my waiste and 3 inches on my hips. Now, that makes me happy.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I say all of this because I recognize that I have a problem loving me. I am working on that, but it is a day to day, minute by minute struggle. I made an awesome accomplishment last Friday (running the mile without stopping) and had an awesome weightloss on Saturday (lost 6 lbs). BUT, this week, I feel like I have hit a wall and I'm having a hard time climbing over it. I reallize that it is purely mental, but that doesn't make it any easier to get over.
Let me explain. My rest days are Saturday and Sunday so when Monday came, I was actually really excited to get out and run. My plan was to go to the high school that evening and do 1/2 mile run, 1/4 mile jog and alternate it 3 times . Well, one thing leads to another. I was waiting for my husband to get home and when he got home, I knew that I had to stay. He was not feeling well and just wanted to go to bed, and when I went outside, my van had a flat tire that needed to be taken care of. Once everyone went to bed and dinner was done and put away, I made a conscious choice to not go out and run. Instead, I binged! I'm still feeling the guilt. Cue the bad self-talk.
So, Tuesday came and I was itching to get out and run. After everyone was settled at either school or in bed for a nap (husband included), I headed outside to run. I walked 5 minutes, jogged 5 minutes, walked 3 minutes and during my second 5 minutes, I hit a horrible mental wall and didn't want to go any farther. Usually, when this happens, I push right through it. Well, I didn't want to push through it so I walked right back through my door. Total fail! Brie talked to me about it this morning....she is very insightful. She said that the body follows the mind. My mind had shut off...it kept telling my body that was hurting and that I didn't want to do this anymore. So, I quit.
The same thing happened this morning. I was at the park. Brie took my kids and let me just run. So, it was just me. I made a break through realization this morning. I NEED MUSIC TO RUN! It helps me get into a little place where I don't think about anything but moving. I didn't have that this morning. I even tried to sing to myself. I'm sorry, but Primary Songs, that I am singing to myself, do nothing to help me get up a hill that I don't want to go up. So, I quit again. BUT I have awesome friends and Brie wouldn't let me. I had already walked/jogged .4 miles (one lap around the park). We grabbed the kids and she let me walk and talk. We walked one full lap (it took 10 minutes) and then we decided to jog the next lap. About half-way through and thankfully, just before I hit that hill, I found my happy place. I just dug in and kept going (it took 7-8 minutes). I am now jogging faster than I walk. Well, that is an improvement.
This is the very reason I am writing this blog. For me, jogging, walking, weight loss, and simply loving myself are not as simple as going out and just doing it. I think for most people, that is not the case. If that were the case, there would not be obesity, alcoholism, food disorders, etc.
The reason I am writing this blog is so that I can (and others to, if you so wish) visually see and remember my accomplishments. I need to remind myself that I CAN do things that I have never done before. I CAN overcome my self-deprecating thoughts with motivating actions. I CAN be who I need to become.
Friday, March 9, 2012
So, when my hubby came home from work, I decided to take the older two of my kiddos and go to the local high school. I decided that I was going to run a mile today. I wanted to accomplish this today. I went to the high school track because I wanted the running marks so knew exactly how far I was running and it would be easier for me to track the time too.
A mile is 4 laps. I walked one lap to warm up a bit and I felt strong. Then came the running. The first lap was good, but the second was killing. I kept thinking, "Am I done yet?" lol. Funny thing is, though, is that I remember having these same thoughts when I ran this same track in high school. The one thing that I noticed, with the end of lap two and into lap three, was that my body had gone into a natural rhythm. My steps and my breathing were in sync with each other.
As the fourth lap came around, I was feeling good knowing that I would actually accomplish this goal. Then, at the last curve, I kept thinking about my friend, Brie saying, "Give it all you've got to finish." However, I couldn't push it anymore. I couldn't even feel my legs. I just kept my head down looking at the white lines indicating a lane. I can honestly say that I gave my all tonight. Then, came the end point. I was so excited. My kids were excited.
I weigh 350 lbs and I just ran (without stopping at all) a mile! My time was 20 min. 29 sec.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
You know, I never thought that I would love running. While I'm running, I can honestly say that I don't love it, BUT afterwards, I love the feeling it gives me. It's euforia....like I can accomplish anything.
I got my butt to the park this morning and ran with my girls. Kira was my "coach" today and she was awesome! I had one goal today and one goal only: run faster. After my last run on Monday, I talked with Brie about my running. I identified that when I started jogging, I would slow my pace and sit back into my jog, thus slowing me down. I was getting comfortable. So, today, my goal was to not shuffle and lean forward into my jogs. It worked! My pace with my walking warm up and downs was a 20 minute mile. Such an improvement.
I'm also loving all the friends that are starting this journey with me. I am learning more and more about people that are starting their "training" with friends in their area. I love it! I feel not alone. So, thank you for joining me in this journey.
Ok...here is my log for the day.
- 5 min walking warm up
- 3 min jog
- 90 sec walk
- 5 min jog
- 2 1/2 min walk
- 3 min jog
- 90 sec walk
- 5 min jog
- Cool down
Total of 1.6 miles. Have a great day all. Do a little bit more than you did yesterday. It could even start with a smile :)
Monday, March 5, 2012
Let me start where I left off. I went to Disneyland! We loaded up the kiddos Tuesday night and went for four fabulous days to Disneyland. It was the best! We had so much fun and it seemed that we all loved every minute of it. Now, since this is mostly a food, exercise, and psyche blog, I will focus mostly on that part of our trip. The following picture is the only picture of me on this trip. Of course, I am eating, but honestly don't know what I am saying. Lol
When we started our trip, I made a conscious decision to not count my points from Weight Watchers and eat whatever I darn well pleased. I was ok with that and I enjoyed every single morsel.
- Cream cheese filled pretzel
- Pineapple whip
- Yummy breakfast food - sausage, bacon, french toast, danishes
- A HUGE corn dog
- Garlic/Parmesan French Fries
- Virgin Mint Julip
- Monte Cristo Sandwich (it was like eating a jelly donut stuffed with ham and cheese..Yum!)
- Cold Stone Creamery Ice Cream
- A bunch of other not-so-good-for-you foods.
Again, I allowed myself to do that. The most important thing for me to say is that I really have no guilt eating all that yummy food. What got me, though was that I didn't drink enough water.
So, here comes the down side to that trip. When we got home, I weighed myself. In one week, I gained 15 pounds! After driving 10 hours the night before, eating all that fried food, and not drinking enough water, I looked down at my very Flinstone looking feet, and knew I was retaining water.
The only other downside of that trip was a reality check about my butt. I will be the first to admit that I have a very large derriere. That is what I love about Disney. All the rides fit people of all shapes and sizes. The turnstyles, however, are not so forgiving. On the very last day of our visit, we reallized that we hadn't gone on the Jungle Cruise. Seemingly harmless, my mom and I and the three boys got in line. When the line got to the front where the turnstyle was (and there was a HUGE line behind us), I did my usual turn to the side and walk through. Only, it wouldn't move. I tried to go backwords, but turnstyles don't go backwards. I only had one way to go and that was pushing with all my might and ignore possible talking behind me (that was all in my head, I'm sure). My mom looked nervous for me. So, with what seemed like an embarrassing FOREVER (probably only 15 seconds). I pushed and pushed and pushed and finally made it through the turnstyle.
Also, after I climbed a million stairs to get into the Hyperion Theater to see Aladdin, my butt would not fit in the seat. I was really in a bad mental cycle then. My knees hurt from climbing the stairs and I ended up sitting in a handicapped seat. My self berating then started. The following words started echoing in my ears. "You are so fat. Why did you let yourself get that way? What a bad example to your children you are! Etc. Etc"
Then, I remember everything that I have accomplished. Because I have been doing the 5k training, my feet didn't hurt as bad after a day's walks to, in, and from Disneyland. AND I had alot of energy to play with my kiddos, my mom, my hubby, and our friends while we were there. I also need to add that I conquered a fear during this trip, as well. I got on California Screamin with my daughter and my husband. It was so much fun that all I remember is laughing and smiling the whole time. So, I am choosing to remember that and remember that I don't ever want to feel "butt" embarrassment again.
When we got home, I reallized that I hurt myself because of that stupid stair climb. So, my friends and I decided that I needed to rest for the next week. I was itching to get out and do my training, but knew that I should give my knee some time to heal.
I am proud to announce that this morning, I was out training again and I feel amazing!
- 5 min warm-up walking
- 3 min jogging
- 90 sec walking
- 5 min jogging
- 2 1/2 min walking
- 3 min jogging
- 90 sec walking
- 5 min jogging
- 5 min cool down walking
I actually decreased my time as well. My pace was a 20 min. mile. It still seems slow, but remember that I started at a 25 minute mile. I am loving how this is making me feel. I have also decided that I will be running my first 5k on April 21st (5 days before my 36th birthday). I couldn't do this without my dear friends Kira and Brie. By the way, Kira finished her first 5k this past weekend and both of them ran it in under 30 minutes. While I was on vacation, Brie completed her first Regland Relay. She ran a total of approx 24 miles. I am so proud of us for trying and doing new things and not holding ourselves back.
So, go out TODAY and try something you have never done before.
Monday, February 20, 2012
My thoughts have been an incredible power for me. I've pushed myself to do things just by telling myself I could. I graduated from the University of Arizona. I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I get up everyday to the sound of four children. However, they have been a detriment too. I constantly tell myself I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty, I'm too fat. This latter thinking has kept me from loving myself.
So, today was one of those thought struggle days. I'm going on vacation with my family this week so I'm not able to go with Kira and Brie running. Just today. But I told them that I wanted to do it on my own today. Well, 8:00 PM came along and I still hadn't done my training. To be honest, I wasn't going to do it.
Then, came along my friend. Kira won't know what an influence she was to me tonight until she reads this, but her powerful thought kept me strong. I checked my email tonight and noticed that she commented on a blog post I did a couple of days ago. She told me that I can do it and that I AM doing it. So, guess what? I DID IT!
I went out, in the dark and ran. It's getting harder, but I'm doing it. The training was as follows: 5 minutes warm up walk, 3 min jog, 90 sec walk, 5 min jog, 2 1/2 min walk, 3 min jog, 90 sec walk and 8 min jog. Then a cool down walk. Did you see that at the end? I JOGGED 8 MINUTES STRAIGHT! A total of 19 minutes of jogging. Now, this may not be a big deal for some people, but this is HUGE for me.
I am thankful for the power of my friends. They are keeping me strong. I am realizing how important they are.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
I love all of my children. I have an almost 9 year old daughter, an almost 5 year old boy, and the 1 year old twin boys. What a blessing to have these four in my life. They keep me wanting to live life.
Writing this made me think of the cheerleaders I had today. I showed up at the park this morning with Kira, ready to run, but it was FREEZING out. It was 35 degrees and way to cold for the boys to be out in. So, I opted out and vowed to do my training at some point today. Then, I got really tired and just didn't feel like it. So, I didn't.
UNTIL...this afternoon, I got the boys down for a nap and the older two wanted to go out to play. This was my chance. I went out to play too. I grabbed the mp3 player and went outside. I did my training. What made it special was my children. Imagine, if you will, running to the end of a very long driveway with your children waiving flags and acting like cheerleaders. They are yelling stuff like, "Mom's the best!"..."You can do it, Mom" ..."We love you". My 4 year old was riding his bike at times too and kept high fiving me as we passed.
Afterwards, I talked to my daughter and she was just grinning ear to ear. She asked me if she could come to my race and cheer me on. I couldn't think of anything better than that. She was even more excited when I told her that the one I wanted to race was on her birthday. What a blessing they are to me. They are my reason to feel better. I am doing this for me, but I am also doing this so that I am there for them.
To recap my "training"...I ROCKED IT! 5 min. of warm up and 2 repetitions of the following (90sec jogging, 90 sec walking, one complete Adele "Rolling in the Deep" Song (approx 4 min) followed by 3 min of walking).
Monday, February 13, 2012
I was dreading this day of training because it was pushing me a bit farther than I've ever been in
the last 20 years. I'm on Week 3 of the Couch to 5k program. It was warm up of 5 min. walking and 2 repetitions of the following (90 sec or 200 yds jogging, 90 sec or 200 yds walking, 3 min or 400 yds of jogging, 3 min or 400 yds of walking). I was REALLY psyching myself out with the 3 mins of jogging. BUT I did it and I had fun doing it. In fact, I felt so strong that on my last 3 minutes, I wanted to keep going. I made it another 100 yds or approx another 30 sec.
For the first time ever, I realized that I really can do this. As Kira and I were doing the cool down lap, I told her that this is my third program week, but I have really been at it for 3 weeks already. So, I'm starting my 4th week of walking/jogging. Kira mentioned some changes that she has noticed with me. First, I'm not sucking air anymore. Second, I am actually lifting my feet now instead of shuffling
I am amazed at how my body is strengthening and healing itself in such a short amount of time. I am sure it will continue to increase its power the more weeks
Saturday, February 11, 2012
By the way, I am having fun too. Who would have thought? I met a new friend today while giving blood and I was so excited to tell her about my adventures with losing weight (which is only 14 lbs so far) and training for the 5k. I am loving when people are telling me they are starting something similar in other cities and towns. Again, this is so much fun!
So, I think we are narrowing our 5k down to possibly March 31st. There is one at the University of Arizona but registrations have not opened yet. When they do, Brie, Kira, and I will be registering. Anyone else want to join us? It will be really exciting to actually have a specific goal to work towards. A date that I can circle on my calendar.
Have a great rest day. See you on Monday. I will be on Week 3 of the Couch to 5k program. It looks scary to me. But, I will conquer even if I have to cry, whine, or inwardly think bad thoughts about my friend/trainer, Brie. Love you Brie!
Friday, February 10, 2012
Why is it that some foods just trigger a "lust" for that food? I'm sure there is some sort of scientific reason, but just know that I have some trigger foods. Doritos, doughnuts, rolls, chocolate...anything that has to do with some sort of carbohydrate (the not good for you kind). Those are my trigger foods.
Along with my 5k "training", I'm also doing Weight Watchers Online. It is teaching me to eat in moderation. Now, I can count on both hands how many times I've done WW, but this time is different. I have a goal to work towards. It is not weight related this time, although, that is a bonus. My goal is to run a full 5k. Along the way, losing weight will definitely help. But I'm looking at food, now, as fuel.
By the way, I had a piece of chocolate and doritos last night (my husband should not be allowed to go to any store when he is hungry). Yes, I beat myself up about it, but I do that. It's not healthy thinking, but that is another something I'm working on. I did enjoy every bite of that chocolate, though.
So, on to the run today. Because I ate the doritos, I could immediately feel the retention of water. So, I'm just drinking a ton of water. Two of my kiddos are still sick today so I missed the morning run with Brie and Kira. However, when the babies were down for their naps, I headed outside with the older two. They road their bikes while I did my training. By the way, I added some Adele to my daughter's MP3 player and it made running alot better.
I shouldn't say I run...I'm trudging along. I'm VERY slow, but my feet are coming up off the ground. So I think I'm doing something other than walking but less than running. I'm moving...that is the important thing. On our runs at the park, there is a slight hill that I HATE going up with my double stroller. I almost always want to cry going up it. Then I complain about how I'm not doing so much. Brie and Kira set me in my place. They remind me that I am doing more than I was and I am ahead of the person that is still sitting on the couch.
So, to all those that need motivation - here it is. Get off the couch. Walk down the driveway. That's it. You did more than you were doing. Now, if you are already doing that (no matter if you are just off the couch or if you are running marathons), just do slightly more than you did yesterday.
Ok...5k training stats.
5 min warm up. 20 minute alternating jogging/walking. 90sec jogging/2 min walking. 5 minute cool down and stretching.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Then the twins got up. Twin B was grumpy, but he is usually the happiest baby. Again, something just wasn't feeling right. Took is temp and it was 102.6. Called the doctor and we just stayed home. I kept thinking that I HAD to run today. I'm only on my second week and I have to keep going, but I couldn't figure out where to fit it in.
At around noon, I decided to check my grumpy gus's temperature again. It was 103.6 and rising! Called the doctor and got an appointment. Off to the doctor with 4 children in tow. I am so thankful that I had my dad to rely on. He met me there so that I wouldn't have to drag all the children in (just two of them). We had to do chest x-rays on my son to rule out pneumonia. All is well. To make a long story short, by the time I got home and had the children fed, it was 7:00! My husband works and goes to school so tonight was a late night for him and it was just me and the kiddos.
Here comes the mind games I play with myself. I kept telling myself that I ran around all day. Surely that was enough! Well, I knew that wasn't enough. I want to run a 5k! So, I put the twins to bed and put a movie on for the older ones. I grabbed my daughter's mp3 player and my flashlight and headed outside. I have a very long driveway so I used that. Turned on the mp3 player and started my 5 minute walk to none other than......Hannah Montana. lol...I really need to get my own so that I can listen to Adele or Bon Jovi. Then, 20 minutes of alternating jogging/walking. 90 sec jogging/2 min. walking. Then 5 minutes of cool down (walking and stretching). I absolutely loved it. For the first time, I felt strong. I felt like I could really do this. That's until Friday comes along and the mind games start over again. But, for now, I own it. It's my life and only I can change myself. I choose to live!
I used to run. When I was in high school, almost 20 years ago, I would have Aerobics class for an hour and after school, I would play tennis for 2 hours. I had fun. I had a teacher that would push me to the limits and it made me stronger. However, I remember well the day that I stopped running, and I don't know why I stopped.
I have a great life and I love life. I have a wonderful husband that loves me very much and four beautiful children. However, I don't think I have ever learned to love myself. I've always struggled with my weight and my inner psyche when it comes to how I view myself. I've tried many diets, but failed. I always give up on myself.
One of my favorite songs is "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi. "It's my life, it's now or never. I ain't gonna live forever." I'm realizing that I only have this one life to live and I better figure out what to do with it.
One day of scrolling through Pinterest, I found a post for Runs for Cookies. She had a guest blogger on that talked about starting out at 340 lbs or so and wanting to run. She found at website that had a program called Couch to 5k, and ran her first 5k at 338 lbs. I realized, after reading that post, that I wanted to do that too. The only thing holding me back was me. I immediately got on the phone to my friend, who is an avid runner. She was up to the challenge to be my "coach" through this whole thing and to find me a 5k to run. Another friend joined us and we became a "team". After we drive our older children to school, we meet at the local park and follow my training schedule. Well, I do. Others are more advanced, but we still cheer each other on.
After a good jog/walk, my friends encouraged me to start a blog so that I can journal my journey to a better me. So, this is my story. It will be messy at times and sometimes entertaining, but most of all, I promise honesty. I need to be honest to myself in order for this to work. I also need this to hold me accountable too.